January – I don’t know what I’m doing

I have now written about 3 different variations of beginnings, this is most likely because,

I don’t find myself interesting. At all.

AND YET! I’m here…
why.
WELL!
Good Sir! Or madam… I shall not leave you on the edge of your seat for much longer the answer is just the other side of this comma, it’s because I need a creative outlet, something to shove some of the thoughts in my head into. Now of course these are going to be a somewhat edited versions, now that I can see what I’m thinking it sometimes doesn’t look that good. I could have chosen a journal or diary but you can’t edit those to contain pictures of your adorable dog. So that idea went straight in the bin. Other reasons include: Being able to type a lot faster and neater (that’s right, I type neatly) than I write, possibly actually talking to someone and not just to some paper aaaand that’s it I’m out of reasons. Wait no! I’ve also been told on many occasions that I type just like I talk, I think this is largely because I don’t go and delete something if I make it redundant in the next sentence. Like I did with the reasons just there, I could delete where I say “aaaand that’s it I’m out of reasons” and shove the other reason in, but then this would just be an essay and not a conversation as one-sided as it may be. Also this bit wouldn’t have worked.

So where do I go from here? Do I make this a personal blog? That would be quite self-absorbed but to be fair that might be what I need. Maybe I can prove to myself that I can be somewhat interesting and maybe even funny(Ha.). I want to try to keep this a mostly positive place, which is ironic ’cause I’m seen as a mostly negative person, well maybe not negative but certainly not you’re chirpy Kimmy Schmidt (Still need to watch the latest season). I’m rambling.

I want to be that person that you almost get sick of when nothing stops them from finding a positive and smiling about it. I want to greet everyone with a hug and talk to my friends about feelings (lol wut? feelings?). I want a girls night in. That’s what I’ve just explained haven’t I. Didn’t sound like that in my head.
However, once you’ve lived a certain way with people for so long without any of that, you can imagine how strange it would be to suddenly start implementing any of those things. You should take those statements with a pinch of salt, I do those things every so often, I’d just like it to be a regular thing. Or no, not regular but a normal thing. I’m sure I was going somewhere with this, ah yes, positive person. On a similar note, everyone, including me, is used to me being very passive and even a little pessimistic. I’m a very dry and sarcastic person, sorry if that annoys you because it definitely annoys me at times. So when I’m happy and talkative, it gets noticed and often pointed out most commonly with “Are you okay?”, this draws unwanted attention my way and the feeling fades. What was I saying about keeping this positive?

2018. I’ve never set ‘New Year Goals’ for myself, but I think this year I’ll at least set a few vague points I want to head towards.
This is more for me than anyone else so you can skip this 🙂

  1. Stop caring about what others think of me.
    This is a classic and I’d like to think that I don’t care what people think of me but that would be a lie. In fact it’s not even people I don’t know, they’re a lot easier to be myself around. It’s actually my friends that I worry about, what they’ll think of me. So starting with this thing whatever this might be, I won’t.
  2. Stop deleting everything.
    I like to make things, so do many others. I write songs, stories, make little videos but 9/10 times I’ll delete it the next day. I always have a solid start and then lose interest or ideas to carry it on. Or as is normally the case, I think it’s terrible. Well, I wanna stop doing that, I might even make a little folder and keep all of my ideas in. I have a fancy notepad my sister got me for my birthday last year that I could use actually. Heh, took a year to think of what I want to use it for.
  3. Make time for the things I enjoy.
    There are so many things that I love to do but treat as chores. Play the piano and guitar, build circuits, coding, cooking, gaming(Single player story games), running, biking. I could be here all night but those are some of the things that I don’t do enough of at the moment. Granted that I have way too many things to actually have time to do so I’ll have to find a way to prioritise them.

Well this post suddenly got a bit lengthy and I not so suddenly got a lot tired. So here’s to not deleting this and the posts that follow. I’ll make the next one a bit more interesting for sure but a background needed to be set if not for you then most definitely for me. Plus I still need to think of what I want this blog to be about, cause it ain’t just gonna be about me.

– Dan

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